When the ex-girlfriend whose Neil Young
albums you didn’t return is back in town
		
		“...rebels walking straight into traps	
		 they were too cool to notice...”
		    - Greil Marcus


Plan A is to go to Milwaukee for the weekend. 
If you decide to stay in town to watch the World Series 
from the comfort of your futon
with your five remote controls and popcorn, 
remember that:

The first three steps are crucial, 
(if you have evaded her grasp
by the time you have three steps under your belt,
your longer legs will win out in a sprint)
and she always wears those
retro shoes
which aren’t exactly made for running. 
Don’t forget
that if she comes at you head-on, 
your best running move in backyard football
is fake-left-and-run-hard-right. 
If you run out of beer
like you always seem to on Saturdays,
the store on the corner delivers,
it’s only a dollar charge. 
Comb your hair the way she liked
as you never did
when you were together: 
this will make it tougher for her to recognize you. 
Always wear a baseball cap and sunglasses in daytime,
keep the shades drawn when inside. 
The phone is to be used for outgoing calls only. 
Practice saying: 
“My new girlfriend’s name is Nikki, 
she’s a ballerina.” 

Remember that:
when people get closer to you, 
they ask for more of your time. 
If you must absolutely leave the apartment, 
park your car on the next street over, 
a block north, 
and take the back alley 
to and from your vehicle. 
The alley is a great escape route unless she’s in a car; 
if you turn to bust a move
into a neighbor’s yard, 
beware of the fences. 
Don’t turn an ankle while climbing. 
Your goal has always been to be anonymous,
no matter what she may have said 
about you wanting to be the center of attention.

If all else fails: 
give up Harvest 
don’t tell her it skips on side two, 
but say you lost 
After the Gold Rush 
the last time you moved.

The Southwest Journal November 1999

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