THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Underemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 16 May 22,1996

 

 

 

Memorial Day weekend marks the start of summer - no matter what you hear about some solstice deal in June. Summer’s here and depending on whose song you’re listening to the time is either right for dancing, fighting or racing in the street. Personally, I try to stay off of the street as I’m a sidewalk guy.

 

BEER/BARS

 

Last week at The Liquor Depot, I loaded up on beer for The Lake. Went with the twenty pack of Schlitz for $6.95. Actually, I purchased two twenty packs, as beer never goes to waste at The Lake. I am looking forward to helping put in the docks and boat lifts up and down the beach this weekend as we get a beer break between each place. During summer, I lead a double life as I drink my Grain Belts at home and then another brand up north. For the past few years it was Schmidt, but if this price holds on the Schlitz I may have to stick with it.

 

COFFEE

 

During the warm weather this week, I noticed people sitting outside and drinking coffee down at Dunn Brothers. To each his own - although as much as I love coffee I sure don’t want it when the temperature goes above seventy. I couldn’t help thinking of how cool it would be if someone (like Chris) made a beer commercial that would have someone pull up in a beater to a coffee shop on a hot day. A mysterious stranger (like me) wearing sunglasses would get out of the car, pop the trunk - shades of Dazed and Confused here - and inside would be a bunch of beers (like Old Milwaukee) in the trunk on ice. The stranger would then start tossing the beers to all the patrons sitting outside on those cheap plastic chairs. They would dump their coffees and start guzzling the Old Mil and cheer the stranger as he leaves. Of course, the commercial would have to end with somebody saying “it doesn’t get any better than this.” Now all I gotta do is figure out which seventies rock song I should use...

 

WORK

 

This week I’m self-employed and working at home. Which means that I sit at the computer or at the breakfast nook/desk and do my stuff while listening to loud rock ‘n’ roll. And by mid afternoon, I’m out on the front lawn soaking up sun, whiskey and the Pioneer Press. Makes you think of Bachman Turner Overdrive (“look at me I’m self-employed / I love to work at nothing all day”) or Van Halen (“I got a drink in my hand / I got my toes in the sand / All I need is a beautiful girl”) doesn’t it? One afternoon, a maroon Chrysler drove by and a spunky blonde girl leaned out the window and gave me a shout of appreciation. As she was certainly not admiring my physique, attire, or choice of music, I could only guess that she was admiring my new haircut.

 

GRAND FORKS

 

The presumed-to-be-final episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 aired last Saturday. It was an instant classic. I’m starting to believe that this show actually got funnier and the humor got sharper as time went on. Somewhere in this episode amongst the references to Star Trek, Poco, Monday Night Football, Blue Oyster Cult, Star Trek: Voyager, hippies, The Incredible Hulk, dope smokers, The Dukes of Hazzard, various highways and byways of the Twin Cities, Star Wars, Leonard Maltin, Apollo 13, etc. there was a reference to the Westward Ho!

 

DRUGS

 

All the trees, flowers, plants, etc. are in bloom this week, which I guess means that everyone is happy that we get to see green and some other colors. The birds are chirping constantly and I think this is when everyone is supposed to fall in love, too. Fuck that. This blooming is setting off nasty allergic reactions in yours truly. Nasty enough that it comes down to the brutal decision of choosing between not breathing or popping antihistamines. As breathing is something I enjoy, antihistamines usually win the battle. The only kind that work for me are the prescribed ones that knock me out and send me to sleepytime - after a brief stop at numb lips, numb nose, and blank looks at whoever’s talking to me. I used to take these little hot pink beauties that went by the name of Nolamine. There was this little sticker on the bottle that said “... may cause DROWSINESS. ALCOHOL may intensify this effect. (Did it ever!) USE CARE ...” But they don’t make Nolamine anymore, so the doc put me on an oval white-and-green (Sioux home jerseys!) pill called Claritin-D, which sounds pretty tame. The label warns of insomnia if taken in the evening - I just popped my first one so maybe this issue will be ten pages long. Antihistamines suck big time.

 

GIRLS

 

Saturday night I’m driving west on Highway 7 to a party out in Minnetonka and the traffic is going not even the speed limit, but about five mph below. Trying to break out to the open road is like trying to get through New Jersey’s forecheck (oops, year-old sports reference.) Finally I make my move. I pull up next to a white Jeep Cherokee in the right lane. The driver is a rather attractive lady in her mid-thirties with long brunette hair, big eyes, and Carly Simon lips. She looks over at me and I flash her the Wyman Smirk, which hasn’t been used since my (deleted) days when I used it in meetings when I was trying not to crack up at the absurdity of useless gatherings of talented people all listening to some guy talk about “vision” and “empowerment.” The lovely gal is noticeably offended by The Smirk and quickly accelerates her vehicle. This sets off a chain reaction where everyone on the highway drives faster. I am able to maneuver the Mustang Sleeper Hatchback (so named because back in ‘91 at a family reunion I slept in the hatchback one night - I had a sleeping bag and pillow - after staying up ‘til four a.m. with some cousins and the following day at the big picnic I had relatives from all over the country I had never met come up to me and say “are you the guy who slept in your hatchback?”) into some clear driving lanes and all is well.

 

MISCELLANY

 

The Wyman Weekly will have a non-weekly schedule this summer. As you longtime readers may recall, way back in the inaugural issue I stated that “this won’t actually be coming out weekly, it’s just a catchy title.” It’s time to live up to that promise/threat, as this summer looks to be a busy one here in Wymanworld. There are A) Rays to be bagged at Leek Lake - near Vergas, Minnesota; B) Rays to be bagged at Lake Calhoun; and C) Rays to be bagged on the corner of 36th and Emerson. And I hope to also fit in laundry, a writing class, dinners on the Uptown Bar patio, work, water skiing, trying to ignore all the pain I incur from water skiing, sports on TV, bike rides, etc. So look for this rag to be appearing less frequently than weekly, but hopefully more frequently than complete game victories by Twins starting pitchers. Remember, as Kevn Kinney once sang: “You can bank your money / But you can’t bank your time.”