THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Unemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 4 February 29,1996

 

 

 

Isn’t February 29 the day where gals can ask guys to marry them? If that’s the case, I’ll be holed up here in the Batcave with the door locked, shades drawn, and the phone off the hook. But I will have to leave in order to get this in the mail to all of you out there in the real world. Instead of different names for this publication, now everyone is instead sending in different names for me. I wasn’t taking it personally when someone called me “Bohemian Billy” and once at the YMCA some guy called me “Velvet Boy” (?) but now the favorite term seems to be “You Unemployed Piece of Shit.” Ha ha.

 

BEER / BARS

 

Grain Belt longnecks, Liquor Depot, blah blah blah - you know how this bit goes. I was in Fergus Falls last weekend (where every girl is five foot four, blonde with blue eyes and named either Gretchen Larson or Kristy Johnson) and for a change of pace I drank Grain Belt cans. Stopped into the Bryant-Lake Bowl one evening this week before my stop at the video store and had a pint of Schell Pils, which was excellent. The beer is dark, but not too much so and went down smooth. Unfortunately, the atmosphere in the bar is a little too “in” plus they play an abundance of jazz music.  

 

MUSIC

 

I rented Barfly this week and I’ve never seen the whole thing before as any time I’ve tried to watch it in the past I’ve been with some of you loyal readers on a drinking binge and end up passing out. Or have I seen the whole thing, but just blacked out? Wait, I think that was Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Anyway, this time I made it through Barfly and you know what it inspired me to do? Read some Bukowski? No. Go out and buy The Very Best of Booker T. and the MG’s as their “Hip Hug-Her” plays over the opening and ending credits of the movie and was easily my favorite part of the flick. Described as “the greatest backing band in the universe” by many; this group had the classic instrumental “Green Onions” and a bunch of other soulful, funky instrumental numbers that will have you smiling and tapping your fingers. Drums, bass, guitar, and keyboards and every song is under four minutes. What else do you need? And every wank-off guitar hero in rock ‘n roll history can kiss Steve Cropper’s ass.

 

GRAND FORKS 58201

 

A couple of nights ago I had this dream that I was still living in Grand Forks with my parents and Shannon Doherty had the hots for me. Except that she was Brenda Walsh and she was just breaking up with Dylan and I was her rebound guy. What’s the meaning of all of this? Will Melrose Place dreams be next?

 

SPORTS

 

Anybody else hear Casey Hankinson say hi to his grandma and grandpa on Saturday’s MSC Goofer hockey broadcast? Makes you wish Frank Mazzocco wasn’t such a nice guy so that he’d tell the legacy to shut the fuck up. I’d joke about the Chokers’ annual fade from the top, but my beloved Fighting Sioux have also been mediocre and look for Bucky Badger to take care of them in the Forks this weekend.

 

IN YOUR FACE!

 

My alma mater, Grand Forks Red River, beat Grafton-Park River 4-2 to claim the 1996 North Dakota State Hockey Championship. I watched the third period while up in Fergus and it looks like they deserved to win. I won’t pick on Grafton as half of you readers are from there and a wise man up north once said that “Grafton people are good people.”

 

WORK

 

Uh-oh. I actually had a couple of interviews this week. You readers may have to get used to the fact that some company might ignore my questionable interviewing skills and go ahead and hire me. Then I’ll be employed and have to come up with a new motto for the top of Page One. This rag will then become some sort of boring Rolling Stone without Alicia Silverstone on the cover.

 

I had an appointment for this one interview and walked into the place expecting to sit down and talk with their Human Resources Manager but instead they asked me to fill out an application. Like what the fuck is this: Burger World? So I sat there and filled it out and finally the HR Mgr. shows up and she’s the most gorgeous gal I’ve seen in weeks. We got into the conference room to meet with one of their accountants and of course she sat next to me and she had on a miniskirt and as I was saying “debit, credit, balance sheet” I was trying not to stare at her crossed legs. I got through the accountant’s questions okay and then the dolly started asking me the typical “what are your strengths and weaknesses” questions and I hate to say it, but I said the usual bullshit about how I’m an “effective communicator” and can “manage multiple priorities” while at the same time all I could think about is her lipstick on the coffee cup... She asked how I deal with stress and I honestly can’t remember what I said. What I wanted to say was that I go home and do a shot of Jack and kill a six pack while watching SportsCenter just like everyone else.

 

Interviewing sucks. Maybe even as much as dating does. Ever notice they’re a lot alike? When you’re looking for an interview/date, you tell your friends to keep their eyes open for prospects. You might get desperate and scan the classifieds/personals. On the first interview/date you have to wear clothes you normally don’t, pay attention to the questions being asked of you, think of great questions to ask, figure out which lies will help you, and figure out which lies you can get away with and not get busted for in the future. Then after some successful interviews/dates, you end up with a job/relationship, and it takes you away from what you really want to do, which is to sit at home and drink beer while watching sports on TV. After a while, you get sick of the job/relationship, and you go out to look for another one and have to tell your lover/employer little white lies about your absences. And the whole sick cycle starts over.  

 

MISCELLANY

 

Shelley Miller has left REV105. Next time you see me and I have a tear in my eye, this is the reason. Now what am I going to do during her 12-to-3 weekday afternoon time slot? Might as well start watching soaps. (Or look for a job?) She was about the only reason I had to get out of bed before noon! Man, I tell ya - you fall for these deejays and all they do is break your heart by going to some other town.

 

IN FUTURE ISSUES

 

Can I use your hairspray? ... Special WCHA Final Five Issue ... Golden Smog