THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Underemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 46 April 4, 1997

 

 

 

Never did a lot of eating in East Grand Forks.

 

ONLY 26 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL MAY 1

 

I have a new hero. This girl at work, she’s one of those say hi in the hallway persons. Those of you who work at large companies know what I mean. You don’t know everyone who works in your office or on your floor, but some of them always say hi to you and you always say hi back. Some folks are never say hi in the hallway persons, especially that one guy in my office who almost smirks as he walks by me like he’s telling me that HE REFUSES TO SAY HI. I’d like to pop him one on the jaw even though I’m a proclaimed pacifist, just to teach him some manners. And then there’s the people who sometimes say hi and sometimes don’t - the wild cards - and with them you have to guess and your best bet is to say hi first and force the issue. You wish at times you could just stay in your cube all day as this hi stuff gives you a headache, but that wouldn’t be any fun now, would it? Oh, anyway this girl at work ... she was sitting in the lunch room the other day reading The Communist Manifesto. Smack dab in the middle of lunch hour too. Wow.

 

WHAT DOESN’T KILL ME WILL ONLY MAKE ME STRONGER 

 

I’ve been sitting at home the last three plus days, sick with strep throat. Why is it when I’m sick I become even lazier than normal? I don’t read, write, or even listen to music that much. I lay on the futon and watch TV and listen to sports talk radio. I never shoulda went to the doctor to get the official diagnosis. Yeah, those antibiotics he prescribed have helped immensely, but I kinda miss the salad days (well, that salad day of Monday) when I was drinking NyQuil - actually, a cheaper knockoff - with a couple of Anchor Steam chasers. Just try coughing after that.

 

THE WYMAN WEEKLY FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS (FAQ)

 

Due to my illness, I haven’t been able to get out and about. So this next bit will be self-absorbed (more so than my usual menu.) My apologies, but you get what you pay for. Also, I get to refer to myself in the third person, which I have found to be effectively annoying when speaking to people. You should try it sometime.

 

How did The Wyman Weekly start?

 

“In the beginning was the Word...” John 1:1

 

Actually, the whole thing was started with a comment out of the mouth of one Gary Wentz.

 

Where did the motto come from?

 

During the first week of Wyman’s voluntary unemployment (rewind: he walked away from a job situation that rivaled Catch-22 in absurdity), he was sitting around and said “I’m in uncharted territory here.  Let’s see:  I have no job, no girlfriend, and I have a pretty shitty attitude.  I should come up with a motto or slogan to turn things around.”  Hence, unemployed unattached unimpressed.  Eight weeks later, he realized that he needed money to buy goods and services and started working again.  But being a spiritual godfather of the whole Slacker Generation X Thing, he didn’t apply himself in his job search and instead settled on temporary work, where you show up at some place every day until they tell you not to.  Underemployment was his dream job all along, it turns out.

 

Wyman claims to be unattached, but what’s the deal with him and Alanis Morissette?

 

Wyman claims they’re just friends but insiders say her next album is half I’m In Love With Wyman Songs and half Wyman Sucks Wish I Had Him Back songs. Friends of Wyman say that he thinks she’s a good kid and he could serious with her, but being associated with her affects his street credibility.

 

Who are Wyman’s influences?

 

The Velvet Underground.

 

I could do without the overall smug, antisocial tone that Wyman takes and I could care less about at least half of the stuff he writes about.

 

If you mail Wyman five bucks, he’ll stop sending the weekly to you. Or you could start your own zine. Besides, your question wasn’t really a question, was it?

 

Wyman insists that Mystery Science Theater 3000 is one of the funniest shows on TV. Yet, I watched an episode and all they did was talk during the movie. What gives?

 

Wyman’s favorite line of the new season on MST3K was when the characters in the movie were headed into a movie theater. Mike sarcastically said “oh great, now we get to watch people watching a movie.”

 

Once I saw Wyman in Lee’s Liquors drinking a Pabst instead of a Grain Belt Premium. Isn’t Grain Belt his favorite beer?

 

Okay: once and for all - Grain Belt comes in a brown bottle and is the most underrated beer in Wyman’s fridge. You don’t see it too often in bars, except for the occasional VFW and at the 400, where Neve Campbell’s twin will serve you one. Grain Belt Premium comes in a clear bottle (no fun in the sun, Pepe) and its taste has changed for the worse in the past few years. Don’t tell that to all the bandwagon jumpers though, who are out there having Premo Nights.

 

I was reading the weekly and Wyman made a reference to some Keith Olbermann guy.  Who’s Keith Olbermann?

 

Wyman once saw a guy sitting by him on the bus who looked like Keith Olbermann and Wyman felt like yelling “THEY’RE NOT GONNA GET HIM!!”  The following is inspired by a bit in Doonesbury a few years back: if, while reading The Wyman Weekly, you don’t get an inside joke or pop culture reference, write to Wyman and he will get back to you with the reference fully explained.  If you’re still not happy, Wyman will replace the reference at no additional cost.