THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Underemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 47 April 11, 1997

 

 

 

I guess Billy Corgan was on The Sportswriters on TV a few weeks back. I missed it, and actually regret it. That may have been interesting.

 

STILL BEATS STARBUCKS

 

Alright I’ve killed enough time here already this morning ya know there’s no glory in formatting spreadsheets so take your time wonder how the Twins did last night think it’s time to head to the break room for a big ol’ cup of joe and a glance through the sports page first I gotta finish this mug well that shouldn’t be too tough just sip on it while you look at your screen pretending to be in deep thought then get up and head towards the break room located all the way on the other side of third floor that’s okay stretch the legs slow down when you walk by Vicky’s cube - what color is her lipstick today - look away before she sees you looking okay next time I won’t look at all when I walk by picking up speed now only nine o’clock and I’m bored senseless to make this walk to the coffee interesting I’ll pretend I’m Mike Crowley of the Gopher hockey team moving the puck up ice trying to beat that pesky forecheck okay things are going smooth damn that break room will be nice uh oh here comes Randall that big shot who never says hi he’s an even bigger shot now he got a promotion I’ve been here how long and he’s never said hi once it really pisses me off what about common decency I’d like to just pop him one hey check him out he’s making a point to look away as he gets closer okay concentrate glance down at your feet don’t make eye contact with him time it time it NOW hi Randall just as he’s almost past you man he didn’t see it coming serves him right I can feel him behind me the fucker is just standing there looking at me wondering who I am I round a corner of cubes and make my break on the last long stretch of hallway towards the breakroom omigod here comes Nikki oh-so-beautiful Nikki star of my dreams the most beautiful thing yeah yeah oh just look at that outfit she has on I live for those shoes Nikki how do you do it I bet when you were younger you didn’t know how attractive you were that’s why you’re so funny I talk to you and you make me laugh you deadpan every line every little adlib you have you have that monotone when you talk oh there she looked up she sees me heading her way she smiles to herself doesn’t anybody else joke around with her doesn’t anybody Nikki that’s why you save your A material for me isn’t it what’s she doing now looking up at the ceiling as she walks what’s up there I look up at the ceiling and I hear her monotone gotcha she says I look over and she’s smirking and keeps walking and I must say her husband is a very lucky man I wish I could hate him but I’ve never met him okay nothing like a nice cup of coffee to get you through these early parts of the morning last stretch here there’s the entry to the break room there’s the coffee machine and out steps Martin oh no the veepee of finance and he’s got his tie on today that means deep thoughts and budgets hi how are you doing he says and a question about the software conversion and I answer and he talks and talks and I know this bit by heart so I go into my nod-and-agree mode knowing that my cup of coffee has been delayed because if I’m Mike Crowley than Martin is Curtis Murphy of the Sioux and he just took me down with a hip check so as I nod and mumble in my inner mind I’m drinking a fresh cup o’ joe and as long as I’m drinking that mythological cup of coffee I’ll make it a good one the kind I’d make at home not this watery crap here at work and while I’m at it I’m sitting at the breakfast nook at home with my coffee and the newspaper and the Clash filling the room with their guitars a bagel in the toaster and a glorious day of nothing to do facing me.

 

DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE

 

I was in Border’s the other day and saw a biography of Oasis. Three hundred and ninety-six pages about a singles band (not a bad thing, so is Aerosmith, REM, Megadeth, and the Stones for the last twenty-five years) that has made two albums and exactly four good singles. And I think every one of those singles has one-and-only-one verse (repeated often, please note I’m not condemning them for this) and a chorus. So I’m guessing the book doesn’t fill too many pages on analyzing Oasis lyrics. Buyer beware. I love rock ‘n’ roll books, though. What sucks is I work kitty corner from Baxter’s downtown and they’ve been phasing their rock books out and increasing their stock of books on classical music. Hey, tell Beethoven the news: those books may be big in Europe, but this is the heartland! So if you’re looking for rock ‘n’ roll books, Border’s in Calhoun Square has a pretty good selection, and The Hungry Mind in St. Paul has a great one. A while back, I scored Iggy Pop’s autobiography (through the mid-seventies), I Need More, at Border’s. This has been out of print for years, but Henry Rollin’s company      2-13-61 is publishing it now. (And without Gap, Apple, or Nike ads!) This was a fun book to read, it was basically Ig grew up, joined a band, had sex, took drugs, cut people down, etc. But it’s not so much the plot as it is the way that he tells it. The only problem I had with it was that Ig went ahead and put a full-frontal nude picture of himself on one page without warning me. So I was reading the book while on the exercise bike at the Y without realizing that this nudie picture was on the opposite page. Boy, did the guy on the bike next to me give me a funny look.

 

FRENCH COLUMBIAN KENYA SCANDINAVIAN MOCHA ITALIAN BLEND ROAST

 

Ignore me. (Not tough, is it?) I was incorrect back in issue #38. The Urban Bean on 33rd and Bryant is still a-ok if you just don’t go into the new section at all. Ignore it, and you’ve still got the same old coffee shop. I was in there a few weeks ago B.N.C. (Before National Championship) and heard the owner/manager/whatever telling a prospective employee that the place was more a quiet place for people to get there stuff done in, not a noisy social place. Music to my ears, I tell ya.

 

BACK UP, SUCKER

 

A great movie is When We Were Kings, which I goddamn guarantee is better than The English Patient, which I haven’t seen but I’ll take Elaine Benes’ word that it sucks. When We Were Kings isn’t concerned with injured English people. No, its concern is someone so much more interesting and was plus a true American hero: Muhammad Ali. If you have never seen Ali in prime form, then this movie is a must-see. If you think Ali was merely some trash-talker, check this movie out: he was funny beyond belief. There is one scene in particular that grabbed me. Ali is shown on TV, the shot is a close-up of his face. He’s got his finger pointed into the camera and is dissing Howard Cosell. Hysterical and mesmerizing. If there is anything wrong with this movie, it is that it’s too short. Thankfully, I’ve seen the Ali biography on A&E, which is chock-full of Ali raps and philosophy and also explores his time as a political prisoner who dared to refuse induction into the armed services during the Vietnam War.

 

MONEY (THAT’S WHAT I WANT)

 

Yesterday my staffing manager stopped by to see me at work without prior warning to deliver my paycheck. Not my final one, either. Whew. And plus he gave me a bonus check. Free money! Apparently, I had been working with this agency long enough to earn it. All my staffing manager did was hand me the check, bullshit a little bit about computers and hometowns, and then he shook my hand and left. No the company’s doing great but next year will suck so if we all work hard and stick together things might work out. No the company’s doing shitty, you’re lucky to have a job. Most importantly, no I’ve told my boss about your attitude and your reluctance to be a team player. (And because you get those little talks hand-in-hand with your Christmas bonus, you want to say just who the fuck is your boss: Santa Claus?) The only downside to my bonus is that I didn’t get to use my usual fave line (stolen in part from Soul Asylum) with my fellow workers: “hey, we got our bone us checks today.”