THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Unemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 7 March 21,1996

 

 

 

This has been a crummy week. The kind that sends me into my beer to cry. The Mustang broke down and then my CD player busted, all within hours after me setting up an interview with a temporary agency. (Yes, I’ll be working soon.) “Good thing you’ll be making some money for repairs” you might be thinking. Wrong.  The way I look at it, the Gods of Slackerdom are frowning on me. And why is it that back in the sixties if you quit your job and started your own weekly it was “dropping out and turning on” (or whatever that silly saying was) but when you’re a non-boomer, you’re “just some slacker”? Anyway dear readers, I apologize if this issue is cranky and uptight - but I guess dems the breaks.

 

BEER / BARS

 

The only peaceful times I’ve had in the past week are sitting in the Uptown drinking pale ales (Oregon or Summit) and reading the Pioneer Press. And then for some dumb reason I decide to leave and it’s like one of those great dreams you have where all along you know it’s a dream and you know you will eventually wake up.

 

Went to Lee’s Liquors last week to check out Two Tickets to Paradise, a cover band made up of guys from various local bands. They basically play songs that were popular during my tenure in junior high and high school. I was wondering why I wasn’t having a good time and then realized that I for the most part despised all those songs back then. At best I found them tolerable. Foreigner, Loverboy, .38 Special, etc. One of the reasons I got the hell out of Grand Forks was to escape the horrible radio and music situation and this is the type of nostalgia I eagerly avoid.

 

MUSIC

 

Oasis: I give, say uncle, whatever. These guys rule the radio and I love their interviews - they’re so goddamn funny even though they don’t mean ‘em that way - where they compare themselves to the Beatles / Stones / Who (though what the world needs now is the next CCR) but I’m still scared to go out and buy their albums as I’m afraid of a letdown from the brilliance of “Morning Glory” and “Champagne Supernova.” The rest of the artists from Britain (‘cepting of course the coolest person in the world PJ Harvey) still suck though and if history is to judge these guys as great they’ll have to send the rest of those Brit wimps away from their synthesizers and Morrisey affections and into their garages (or whatever those chaps have over there) to make real rock ‘n’ roll.

 

WORK

 

Last week I had an interview at this company and my hormones would have gladly worked there as walking through their office I saw many babes wearing miniskirts. So I ended up filling out an application (everybody now -WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS: BURGER WORLD?), taking a personality test and sitting through interviews with two people. They then told me it’s an entry level position. Yeah, I’ve got your entry level right here. There’s an hour of my life I’ll never have back. I wonder if they ever considered maybe reading my resume? Shit, I coulda been at home seeing how I was doing in my NCAA hoops pool! But every cloud has a silver lining, or in this case a gold one with a red diamond on the label, and I proceeded to go home, crack a Grain Belt and listen to Appetite for Destruction at loud volume.

 

The following is a list of the answers I wish I’d give to the canned questions they ask in interviews. One of these days I might actually get brave (or drunk) before an interview and use these.

 

Describe yourself: “ In the words of Iggy Pop: ‘I am the world’s forgotten boy / The one who searches to destroy’ “

 

What is your greatest strength? “I can identify all the drug references - both explicit and hidden mind you - on Sticky Fingers and Exile on Main Street.”

 

What is your greatest weakness? “Chicks, man. They drive me nuts just by smilin’ and tossin’ their hair back...”

 

What do you consider to be your biggest accomplishment? “ I created my own weekly newsletter that details what kind of beer I keep in my fridge; where and how I get drunk; and how much I hate interviewing with corporate jackoffs like you who ask idiotic questions and preach teamwork but in actuality get to the top by stepping all over whatever nice persons get in your way. “

 

Tell me about a situation in your past where you had to overcome adversity: “Way back in ‘84 I went to see the Replacements at the Regency Inn in East Grand Forks for an end of the school year dance. I went with some of my buddies and we didn’t know who the hell the Replacements were. We just knew they were from Minneapolis and that they were some kind of punk band. Well, we got to the dance and ended up sitting down and just checking out the punks who were there. You see, we were all northern boys and had only seen punks on TV. After the opening band’s set, our eyes focused on a drunk punk just a few feet away. He was laughing and talking to his punk buddies and drinking some sort of mixed drink and then he proceeded to puke all over his shirt. My buddies and I were disgusted and amused at the same time. Ten minutes later the Replacements hit the stage and the aforementioned punk turns out to be their lead man, Paul Westerberg. The ‘Mats (as us soon-to-be hipsters would later refer to them) were loud, obnoxious and horrible. I hated them and truly thought they sucked. But many months later, with the persuasion of my friend Gary (who wasn’t at said EGF show and therefore didn’t have the built-in prejudice against drunk punk bands who vomit on themselves) (Actually, he probably would have thought it was pretty damn cool - too bad he wasn’t there too show us the beauty of the whole thing) I gave the ‘Mats a second try and they went on to become one of my all-time favorite bands. There used to be a saying that defined overcoming adversity - ‘You have to hate the Replacements before you can love them.’”

 

(Deleted) was baffled when I told him that I’m not working yet because “I’m taking more time off” and asked “how can you take time off from doing nothing?“ “Kinda Zen-like, isn’t it?“ was my response and I almost got away with it, but then he went on to point out how these periods of unemployment don’t look good to interviewers. Don’t know why I’m supposed to be living my life in fear of what some future interviewer or employer might think. Flash back to college when I was told that I had to join some clubs, societies, etc. so that it would “look good on my resume.” Instead I hung out with my Country Club / Palace buddies swilling beer, listening to loud music, scamming coeds, etc. Flash ahead ten years. Whatever geekoids / ass-kissers / preppies joined those clubs are now in some shit jobs, meekly agreeing with whatever their bosses say, going to all the company functions “because it looks good to the executives” and probably unhappily married. Me? I’m unemployed and swilling beer with my buddies, listening to loud music, scamming women, etc. Jokes on them, I guess.

 

MISCELLANY

 

Not only is my editor is an asshole, he’s incompetent. In issue #5 he spelled Son Volt wrong and didn’t figure out that Gear Daddies is two words. He’s always hassling me about my writing not being “proper” or “good enough.” I always tell him to go get a beer and leave me alone. Finally, our publisher took us out for drinks at Nye’s and he basically told editor dude that Wyman is the franchise here and your job as editor is to run the spell check and correct the grammar. When this lecture was done, I gave the editor my best fuck-off-and-die smirk and went back to soaking in the atmosphere that is Nye’s.