THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Unemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 1 February 7,1996

 

 

 

Thanks to Gary Wentz for his idea that I should come out with a newsletter. During my sabbatical from employment I need to do something to keep the creative juices flowing and this helps. Besides, you married guys need someone to live your lives vicariously through, right? Actually, you’ll find my life is pretty boring but we can just blame that on the recent ice-age weather, okay?

 

BEER

 

Right now in my fridge there’s about a case of Grain Belt (regular GB, in brown longneck bottles - I prefer it to Premium and not just because it’s cheaper, I like the little bite its got) which I haven’t sampled since late Sunday night when I was still celebrating that Sioux sweep of the hated Golden Chokers. Good defeated evil. It felt like the end of Star Wars when the rebel forces blow up the Death Star all over again. I got this case for $8.99 at MGM on Lake Street which I usually don’t go to because the Liquor Depot down by Metrodome has got Grainys for $7.49 a case but the temperature outside was like 90 below without the wind chill and I didn’t feel like driving far. At the store I saw that they had Grain Belt Premium Bock which you guys with jobs should buy and invite me over. Why should you buy it and not me? It was $5.49 for a six pack! Oh yeah, along with my beer I bought 100 ml of Jagermeister (strategically placed on the checkout counter for us impulse shoppers) which is sitting in my freezer waiting for me to sample on Valentine’s Day when I unplug the phone and listen to the Sex Pistols and Creedence - two bands who never wrote love songs.

 

MUSIC

 

Sunday afternoon I went down to First Avenue to see Everclear perform. You know Everclear, that scrappy little trio from Portand, Oregon who had that catchy little ditty out last summer called “Heroin Girl.” Their current hit is “Santa Monica.” The show was an all-ages affair which meant yours truly was the oldest fossil there. Except maybe for the leader of the band, because he dedicated a song to “all you old fuckers out there” and they did “Sin City” by AC/DC. I, of course, went nuts but all the kids around me just looked at the stage blankly. The same thing happened when they did Petty’s “American Girl” during the encore. Anyway, the band was fast and loud in that post-Nirvana kind of way and don’t worry as the club was kind enough to close off the balcony and serve booze up there to us who need some frosties to go with our music. Before the show some guy walked by me and stared me down like he wanted to kick my ass. This gave me a real creepy feeling, then later I found out that the Leinenkugel’s taps upstairs were frozen so I figured the dude was just upset and I was his scapegoat.

 

SPORTS

 

Q: How many Gopher hockey players does it take to change a light bulb? A: You can’t change a light bulb with both hands around your neck. If you had Internet access, you (like Bob) could have read that Wyman-penned original by now.

 

BOOKS

 

I’m currently reading The Best and the Brightest by David Halberstam. I figured with the title, it would be about the Palace / Country Club guys and all of our outstanding accomplishments. Instead, it’s about the Kennedy Administration and how we got involved in Vietnam. Even if it doesn’t have any details about bull sessions at Mandatory Mondays, it is still a good read.

 

BARS

 

Last Wednesday it hit me. I’m free from my stupid job at (deleted). So I hopped in my car (after letting it warm up for half an hour) and drove the eight blocks to the Uptown Bar. It was Wicked Wednesday which means you can get 16 oz. of Pete’s Wicked Ale for like $1.75 and then get refills for $1.50. Or something like that. But I figured the sooner I spent my life savings the sooner I’d get back to the working world and I was starting to miss doing those little things like changing the copier paper because everyone else is either too fucking lazy or think they’re too goddamn important to do it so I ordered the more spendy Summit Pale Ale. In fact, I ordered like four or five of them over all. I sat at the main bar and didn’t talk to anyone except the bartender. If I could just bottle evenings like this...

 

Speaking of bars, my good friend Scott Bjerke (you remember him) was in Grand Forks last weekend for the Saturday night UND vs. UM game with his family and he and his dad figured they’d go to Whitey’s for a pre-game meal and beverage(s.) However, it was his wife’s birthday and she wanted to go to Paradiso so he missed Whitey’s and he and his dad were pissed. But in my book, they made up for it because on the trip to GF from Moorhead they sat in the back seat of his stepmom’s Cadillac and drank GB Premium and Schlitz while the gals drove.

 

(DELETED)

 

I haven’t been to (deleted) since I went to (deleted) after work on the day that I handed in my resignation. I drank Sharp’s and they had free pretzels. I had one (deleted) (deleted) for me (after I [deleted] [deleted] [deleted] of course) and (deleted) was probably about forty and had a real nice (deleted). If this sounds like I was bored, I was. It wasn’t (deleted) fault but I’m still looking for the messed-up buzzy feeling I had in the (deleted) when I was there with a couple of friends back before Christmas. Oh well, the search goes on.

 

GIRLS

 

That’s right, I’m thirty and I still call them “girls.” Do they call me a “boy?” They should as the highlight of my days is watching the Adventures of Batman and Robin cartoon every afternoon at four. Right now, Gary thinks I’m hanging out with high school chicks and smoking lots of dope. We’ll continue to let him think that.

 

 

MISCELLANY

 

You may be wondering how my final days at my living-hell-I-called-my-job went. Pretty good, especially since I had a babe taking my place and I had to spend most of my days training her in. I didn’t get to explaining the nuances of how do to the things I was famous for at (deleted)  like how to make it through the day when you’ve got a huge hangover, paying absolutely no attention in meetings but still have an answer when the boss calls on you, using the warehouse for your napping enjoyment, etc. On my last day I met one of my bosses for lunch (who also quit and it was his last day) at Champps (we worked in the suburbs, not a lot of choices) and we had beers and a shot and toasted the past and future. Then back at the office everyone started hitting the beers about 3:30 and my lovely replacement had bought me a six pack of Steinlager, which is from New Zealand. I enjoyed that brew quite a bit and shouldn’t have been such a great guy and given the rest to my soon-to-be-former associates, as in the fridge in the lunchroom all they had was Miller Genuine Draft and Miller Lite. But I got used to the Genuine and left the party when it was gone because I haven’t had a Miller Lite (the WORST beer made) since 1991.

 

Well, that’s it for now. Is there anything specifically you would like me to address in the future? Refer to the “(no longer available)” section below. This won’t actually be coming out weekly, it’s just a catchy title. Later.