THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Underemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 13 May 4,1996

 

 

 

This is the call-to-arms, return-to-roots issue, kinda like the MC5’s Back in the USA and the Clash’s London Calling. The cause? Well, Jim Walsh ripped me off in the Pioneer Press on May 1 (figures - May Day, which is a socialist holiday so Jimbo must have figured this weekly was some sort of collectivism experiment) by using the phrase “unwed, unemployed and unimpressed.” Hey, I’m flattered and we all know it’s a lot easier to write like Wyman than to try to speak like him with that Nodak accent type deal, ya know. Because the people have spoken (and I’m a man of the people just like the guys in the MC5 and the Clash) by requesting the return of the original motto - it appears as close as I could without lying.

 

BEER/BARS

 

The Grain Belt rolls on. It’s amazing what some cold Belts can do for ya. This week I was having major troubles with my PC and ended up bringing a six pack sacrifice to the Temple of My PC Goddess. Needless to say, all my prayers were answered, my computer is much healthier, and the weekly faced no major delays in production.

 

The new favorite drink here in Wayne Manor? Whiskey and water. Pour up some Jack on the rocks, add some tap water and BOOM a nice, tasty thing to sip on. I started on these last week when I felt like having a beer after supper, but was too full from my meal of a half bagel w/cream cheese and a bowl of bargain brand Fruit Loops knockoff cereal. Hence, whiskey and water.

 

Last Saturday was the last night of live music at the Uptown and here are the things that didn’t happen: The Little Uptown Girl did not show up, walk by me, dance in front of me, or in any other way torture me unmercifully or basically look like the Love of My Life. Chris and I did not see Bob Stinson (RIP) nor did we make plans for The Wyman Story movie. (Christian Slater as Wyman. Laura San Giacomo as The Little Uptown Girl.) Joel and I did not talk to Slash and Duff. I didn’t say anything stupid like “what are a couple of obviously intelligent and attractive women like yourselves doing in a place like this?” Dan Murphy didn’t shake my hand and be an all-around truly nice guy. Dave Pirner and I didn’t talk about fashion. Bob, Gary and I didn’t smoke cigarettes mooched from the girls in the booth next to ours. But I had a great time regardless and do plan on continuing my expeditions to this wonderful bar. The food is great, and the service is even better. Anything else that I could say about this place Jim Walsh said better in his April 26 column. Enclosed is a copy (Editor's Note: Not available online.) - I could just steal stuff from him without giving credit, but we all know I’m above that.

 

MUSIC

 

New Paul Westerberg album: The good news is that you get some tasty pop (and I mean that in the best sense) songs and a couple of eerie ones echoing back to “Within Your Reach” and “Rock and Roll Ghost.” The bad news is that there is some stuff that sounds like filler and the smart-ass Westerberg from “I Don’t Know” and “World Class Fad” is conspicuously absent. This album sounds okay when it’s playing in the background ... but time will tell, I’ve only it a couple of days.

 

The latest by Semisonic, Great Divide, rules. Albums like this are why your CD player has a repeat button. Believe the hype.

 

I’ll let you in on a secret: Def Leppard is the up-and-coming secret influence in alternative music. There’s a song out now (by some band whose name I didn’t catch) called “Boy or Girl” which sounds like both Def Lep and Def Lep’s heroes Mott the Hoople. (Is this a Mott cover? If it is let me know.) And a couple of months back, Stabbing Westward came out with a song called “What Do I Have To Do” which sounded EXACTLY LIKE DEF LEPPARD, not only musically but right down to the baby-don’t-hurt-me-so-bad lyrics. It’s time for the Rev and the Edge to ‘fess up and drop some of those overrated eighties bands who didn’t influence anybody - Talking Heads come to mind - and start playing a little “Bringin’ on the Heartbreak” and “Photograph.”

 

WORK

 

Another great thing about being a temp and not being obliged to be friends with my coworkers is that I get to read the paper at lunch unperturbed. Of course, that’s easily done as I leave the office every day and go to a park by myself to read. Regardless, it’s so refreshing to be able to munch on my sandwich and just read, as opposed to hearing some boomers talk about their cars and their yards and Paul Simon and Chicago (the band - yes believe it or not there are people still listening to them) ... But work isn’t all great, as I don’t get to sit at the park all day long (damn!) and now I’ve been at the same place for two-plus weeks and this week I actually had to sit in two goddamn meetings. (Watch the predators stake their turf, watch the dominant male humiliate the other males into submission, see Wyman sit in the corner pretending to be paying attention, watch someone ask Wyman a question and hear Wyman say “I don’t know” and you just know Wyman is dying to say “and I don’t care.”) You’ve heard of “cooking the books”? This place’s books are so deep fried that you could serve ‘em up at your local McDonald’s and pass ‘em off as chicken or potatoes. Needless to say, I’m assigning myself to another job next week before this current assignment turns into some kind of open-commitment nightmare. (My own Vietnam!) Besides, I’ve heard the nicest guy in the office use the words “leadership”, “process” and “quality” in the last week. It’s only a matter of time before I say “Hey - there is no team in ‘I!’”

 

SPORTS

 

Last summer I saw the Fergus Falls American Legion team play the Alexandria Legion team. I paid seventy-five cents admission, sat outdoors, smelled the freshly-mowed grass, enjoyed a dog hot off the grill with chips and Coke for two bucks, and watched the Fergus team battle with enthusiasm to a victory. The players were out there not for money, but for the love of the game. The reason I’m relating this story? After watching this game I sat in the Legion bar with the coaching staff and we talked about the game. Furthermore, for the rest of the summer I didn’t go on and on to everyone I knew about how I watched “real baseball” and didn’t bore everyone with talk of enjoying a ball game outdoors. You see, spring is here; which means I’ve got to hear way too many poor misguided souls talk about St. Paul Saints baseball. I have never heard of anyone talk about a Saints game and actually say anything about the game. I hear plenty about the tailgating, the couches you can sit on, the massages and haircuts you can get, etc. I also hear a lot about this being “real baseball” (meaning goings-on in Metrodome are “fake” - yeah like those World Series games.) Interestingly, when I talk with friends about Major League Baseball, the talk is almost always about the game. The hit-and-runs, the beautifully turned double play, the pinch-hit home run, the no-hitter, etc. You can go to the Dome and see some of the best players in the world plus there are countless college, high school, Legion, and town teams playing around the area. So please don’t try to tell me that one independent minor league team is the pursest version our national pastime available locally.

 

I’m whooping it up for the Detroit Red Wings in the Stanley Cup playoffs. It’s sorta beautiful that this angry young Finnlander is cheering for a team loaded with Russian talent (so much so that they call ‘em “The Red Army”) and it just makes me think that world peace is that much closer.