THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Underemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 15 May 15,1996

 

 

 

Issue 15? I’ve been doing this for fifteen weeks? Woke up this morning thinking about this fact and giggled myself awake. Then I leaped out of bed - yeah right - to get up and get my stuff done so I could come home and work on this issue. Today has been a weird day - driving to the YMCA and then to breakfast this afternoon I had KQ on (!) and they were playing all kinds of great stuff like “Lawyers, Guns and Money”, “Reason to Believe” and “Last Dance with Mary Jane.” Then when I was parking in front of my building a couple of youngsters in a minivan pulled up and tried to sell me some speakers for only $800 cash. (One grand off the list price!) But, you know conservative me: no warranty - no way. The visions of Minneapolis’ Finest putting me in cuffs for buying hot merchandise wasn’t too appealing, either. Later I heard from a friend that these guys have been running this speaker scam for months and tried it on him out in Eagan last fall. Hey - keep your crime out in the suburbs where they can afford those prices! So, a public service announcement for my readers: don’t buy speakers out on the street.

 

BEER/BARS

 

THE SCORECARD - Bars frequented since the last weekly: 3; Buzzes acquired: 1; Buzzes maintained: 1; Hangovers acquired: 0; Number of times I fell in love: 1; Number of times someone fell in love with me: 0 (as far as I know); Number of smiles received from females: 3; Number of smiles received from females (excluding waitresses and girls asking where the rest rooms are): 1; Number of Twins pitchers used during my hour stay at the Uptown: 3; Earned runs given up by said pitchers in that time: I lost track after 5; Number of girls who asked me for directions to the rest rooms at First Avenue because I must look like an expert on rest room location: 2.

 

MUSIC

 

My admiration for Semisonic grows more and more each day. Their music is electric pop music with dark lyrics and their sound on disc is brilliantly put together with the songs for the most part being three-and-a-half minute gems complete with tasty guitar work, catchy choruses and impressive backup singing. My worry was that this was a sound that could be carefully crafted in the studio, but wouldn’t translate to the stage. At their show at First Avenue the other night, they blew away my fears from the gitgo and put on one hell of a show. They were loud and electric, but I could hear and understand all the words (of course it helped me that I’ve listened to their latest disc about twenty times in the last two weeks) and the last song they did was a cover of that classic “Drift Away.”

 

Main man Joel “I’ve got a theory...” McElhany pointed out to me long ago that MTV is nowadays like some 24-hour little kids’ show. He meant that you turn it on and there’s always some sort of game show or the like on. You never see get to see any plain ol’ videos anymore. Not that videos are a necessity in my music life, but at least they allow me to hear some new songs. The only thing remotely interesting you see on MTV anymore is Beavis and Butt-head. (Don’t talk to me about Unplugged, which I’m convinced has turned evil and is a destructive force in rock ‘n’ roll. If I gotta hear one more great LOUD song turned into a some kind of strummed, whispered piece of folkie crap ... I pray and pray that AC/DC never goes on Unplugged.) I’m convinced that 95% of MTV’s schedule consists of the following: their game show Singled Out, The Real World, and spring break coverage. A few months back, I had trouble sleeping (must have been during my working days) and got up at three a.m. and figured “hey, MTV has gotta be showing videos now!” so I turned the tube on and there was Singled Out. Or maybe they were on spring break again - it’s all starting to blend together. Then this week, the strangest thing happened. On Tuesday during the early afternoon, MTV was showing videos by Soundgarden (video was too serious for just being some baby-you’re-too-dominant song), Stone Temple Pilots (the lead singer is a hilariously horrible dancer and I feel bad picking on him now that he’s in treatment for heroin abuse - this song has the catchy chorus of “nothing’s for free” - gee, thanks STP, never woulda guessed that on my own), Smashing Pumpkins (what’s the difference between a puppy and Billy Corgan? the puppy eventually grows up and stops whining), and Pearl Jam (Eddie was sporting a Michael Jordan jersey - appropriate as Pearl Jam are the Chicago Bulls of rock ‘n’ roll.) And even though the VJ during this time was the eternally obnoxious Kennedy - who I hear has a sizable oral fetish - she pretty much kept her mouth shut (in light of the previous thought is that good or bad?) and didn’t get on my nerves like those Mission Impossible commercials are starting to.

 

SPORTS

 

Is there a The Wyman Weekly sports jinx? Seems whenever I praise a team, they tend to go downhill. The UND hockey team went in the tank after I celebrated them back in issue #1. The Twins have stunk up the joint since last issue. As of this writing the Red Wings are in trouble with the overachieving Blues, although you wonder how any team with two members of Fighting Sioux national championship teams (oh yeah, and Wayne Gretzky and Brett Hull also) can be described as overachieving. If only I could find a way to use this newfound power for good, not evil. Actually, I’m joking about this jinx because ...

 

I AIN’T SUPERSTITIOUS

 

Last Saturday in the mail I received my second chain letter in nine days. The chain letters were both the same one. It starts out by saying “kiss someone you love when you get this letter and make magic.” Kiss who? 1) I live alone 2) That waitress at the Uptown Diner would kick my ass if I planted one on her 3) I don’t know where Tom Kelly lives and 4) The Twins were out of town anyway. The letter goes on with the usual crapola about the good things that happened to people who made the twenty copies and mailed them on and the bad things that happened to the folks who threw the letter away. For instance, “Joe Elliot received $40,000 and lost it because he broke the chain.” Lost it? What, he left the 40K in his jeans and then put them through the wash? Hey, Joe Elliot is the lead singer of Def Leppard and 40K to him is spare change! He’s already lost a drummer’s arm and a guitarist - so what kind of worse luck could fall on him? So fuck the letter! I did to this letter what I did to the first one - burned it. The day after receiving and burning the first chain letter, I got my state tax refund in the mail. The next mailing day after receiving and burning the second chain letter, I got my federal tax refund. Pieces of psychological blackmail like chain letters are pure bullshit. I’ll believe the Warren Commission before I believe that some piece of paper is going to change my life. It was nice of whoever sent these to me to want to send some luck my way, but the only luck you’re gonna get in this world is the kind you go out and find on your own. Got a mirror you want broken?

 

GIRLS

 

My next-door neighbor is a blonde with big brown eyes, a Demi Moore voice, and legs that stretch from here to Bemidji. A few months back, I got home from a wedding dance at the same time that she was just returning from a night out downtown. I was looking slick with my blazer, tie, long coat, shiny shoes, etc. He can dress well. She’s seen me returning from the Liquor Depot hoisting cases of Grain Belt into the building. He’s got taste. She’s been in my apartment and seen my guitars. He’s creative. She knows I quit my job with no career opportunities on the immediate horizon. He’s reckless. So last Saturday morning I’m sitting on the bench in front of the building reading the Pioneer Press sports section and drinking a Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi (sans rum, natch) and she pulls up in her car and she’s got her mom with her. We all start to talk and dammit her mom thinks I’m a nice guy. I don’t want a nice guy that hits it off with my mom. Shit.