THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Unemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 2 February 15,1996

 

 

 

Yes, here I am again with another issue, and only eight days after the last one. Hope this issue doesn’t fall victim to the “Sophomore Slump” like those second albums by Led Zeppelin (like I remember), Living Colour and Bob Mould. Thanks for all those suggestions for alternate titles. Your Weekly Wyman is a possibility, kinda like back in elementary school when we used to get Your Weekly Reader. My favorite alternative is The Wyman, Weakly. For now I’ll keep the title as is.

 

I’m actually writing this on February 14 but refuse to date it as such as then it would be the Special Valentine’s Issue and I would have to print your love letters to your wives. No fucking way. There were no valentines in my mail today, but I’m still resting on my laurels from 1994. That’s when I had two roommates and Joel sent out two valentines and received one. John sent out one and received one. I sent out none and received two. Which meant I had the best plus/minus ratio at plus 2!

 

BEER

 

Please don’t panic, but there are only five bottles of Grain Belt left in my fridge. Guess this means a trip to the Liquor Depot tomorrow, think I’ll load up again on the Belt and maybe get a six pack of that Steinlager stuff if it isn’t too expensive. Today in the mail I got a pleasant surprise which bettered any valentine I’ve ever gotten. It turns out I placed second in my former boss’ Super Bowl pool and won seven bucks! The note from my boss advises me to spend it in a bar, and I’ll be sure to do that as he is the same boss who left (deleted) at the same time I did and he was always very nice and respectful (imagine that) towards me and I wouldn’t want to let him down. The beautiful thing is that he wrote his note on (deleted) stationary.

 

BARS

 

Last week to celebrate the publication of the first issue of this fine newsletter, I headed out to the Uptown to have a few Summits and hear some music. The thing is that I sat at the main bar and listened to the bands from there and what’s sad is that I don’t know the name of either band. Have I become that jaded, old and set in my ways that I won’t even pay attention to the identities of these kids who are busting their butts for the love of rock ‘n roll? Well, truth be told that the only reason I went to the bar was because Shelley Miller, the afternoon DJ on REV 105, was down there doing a promo and I’ve had a small crush on her (that voice and the way she lights up the airwaves) for a few weeks and I wanted to see what she looked like. But I ended up drinking a lot and the next day I felt I could justify my hangover if I had a good reason to be drinking, so I figured out after the fact that I was celebrating the publishing of The Wyman Weekly #1.

 

Last Saturday night I went to Lee’s Liquor Lounge (just a few short blocks west of downtown Minneapolis) to see the Zenbishops. Cool name for a band and they also have a trumpet in their band for a unique sound. But I wouldn’t advise seeing them if you have a chance to see another local act like Mile One, Rank Strangers, or Steeplejack. And I’ll quit naming bands and sounding like a hipster doofus. But Lee’s bar is a wonderful experience. The walls are covered in paneling, it’s a real wide-open room and they’ve got pull tabs and a couple of pool tables. In short, it’s just like a VFW up north. Plus, they have Schmidt long neck bottles for two bucks so if you go there, don’t be faked out by all the folks drinking their cans of Premium and Leiny, go for the Schmidty. But I wasn’t getting into the band and the bar was kind of dead (classic Wyman - if the bar would have packed, I wouldn’t have been any happier) so I headed to the CC Club to be ignored by a room with more beautiful girls than Lee’s. I ended up at the CC sitting at the bar drinking Premium taps and watching St. Cloud State pasting Alaska Anchorage in hockey on tape delay. Everyone ignored me except the bartender, who fucking rules as this is the guy who when my buddy Tim and I were there before the REM concert last May and we were trying to name the starting lineup from the 1970 Baltimore Orioles he was able to name the whole infield and almost all of the outfield.

 

When I came home, a breathtaking revelation came over me - I found a new place to drink in my apartment. Those of you who have been here to Wymanworld know that this place is tiny. In fact if you all showed up at the same time, we’d have to take turns standing out in the hallway. But somehow I managed to find a new favorite place to drink. It’s in the kitchen and it’s so refreshing as I feel like I have a whole new perspective on things when I guzzle beer in there, even if the perspective is blurry and doubled.

 

GIRLS

 

Last weekend I was driving on Highway 7 on my way out to my parents’ place and was passed by a gorgeous girl in a maroon Mazda. We kept passing each other for a few miles and I got a better look. This vixen had red hair, but I could tell she was a natural brunette. She was wearing cool sunglasses and smoking a cigarette. She ignored me the whole time but still she oozed impurity. I fell for her hard as she had three important qualities: colored hair, an oral fixation, and a total and utter disdain for me.

 

SAY IT AIN’T SO!

 

I got some new black Chuck Taylors for Christmas and haven’t been wearing them much, but last week my standard black boot footwear got wet, so I slapped on the Chucks for the afternoon. And my feet hurt for a day. Yeah, I know I’m a wuss, but I think this is further proof of my advancement in age.

 

MOVIES (CLEAN ONES)

 

I saw Beautiful Girls this week and thought it was great. It’s one of those we’re-grown-up-but-we-don’t-feel-grown-up buddy movies (classics in this genre are Diner and The Brothers McMullen) and no matter what the press thinks, I fail to see how it’s a “date movie” but then I have a lot more buddies than dates, right? Anyway, this film is hilarious, clever and touching, and you’ll find a lot of it true to life. If you still don’t want to see it, just think about this: The characters are always drinking beer and it has Uma Thurman. Go see it.

 

MISCELLANY

 

Just so you know, I WILL accept corporate sponsorships, it ain’t easy doing this for free. Last week I was talking to my dad and he said “Talk is cheap, it takes money to buy whiskey.” I would be lucky to inherit even half of his wisdom.

 

IN FUTURE ISSUES

 

The primaries will be heating up soon, so it’s time for some politics...a possible review of shows by the Rank Strangers and Slim Dunlap...a recounting of how my haircut went...things to do in Fergus Falls when you’re dead.