THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Underemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 26 October 11,1996

 

 

 

Even though I’m an old guy, I hate to sound like one. Rule Number One In Not Sounding Like An Old Guy is too not complain about the aches and pains in your body. The hell with it: I’m old and my back is killing me. And I can’t concentrate ... what? I’m supposed to put out some sort of weekly newsletter? Seriously? You have a recipe? Hand that baby over! Okay here we go ...

 

Mix:

            - one paragraph nonsensical banter

            - one amusing anecdote relating something inane that happened at work

            - one dose of Lester Bangs

            - one reference to an attractive female that you’ll never speak to

            - one mention of beer

            - as many pop culture references as you can fit

            - one inside joke that maybe one reader might pick up on

            - one helping of David Letterman

            - one mention of coffee

            - one breezy hyperbolic explanation of why some rock ‘n’ roll band of misfits is unjustly overlooked and ignored                  and/or is the Second Coming

 

Put the above into whatever order you feel like

Add bold-fonted headlines that attempt to be cute or witty

Let simmer in your PC for 1-2 days

Then snail mail or Email to someone who cares

 

Serves twenty to thirty

 

MORE OF GOD’S GAME

 

I was sitting at work and actually doing something productive and in the back of my mind I kept thinking “if I had a real job I would have been out of the office long ago to either A) go home, or B) get to the bar to watch some playoff baseball action.” But I don’t have a real job. And if I did, you wouldn’t be reading this.

 

After work I stopped at Kieran’s Irish Pub. They had the Yankees / Orioles game on. The bar looked sooo inviting and sooo dimly lit, but unfortunately they only had one TV and all the seats from which you could see the game were taken. I then headed to The Loon Cafe, in which from even across the street I could see that they had the game on.

 

You dream of bartenders who immediately recognize that you need a drink. And you also dream of bartenders who know the score and situation of the baseball game that’s on the TV. And sometimes, I’m telling you that it does happen, you get a bartender who knows both. And that is what I got from this bartender at The Loon. Every so often, you’ll know when someone talented is in The Zone. This bartender was in The Zone. His hand were on his hips and one eye was on the game and one eye was on the customers’ drinks around the bar, gauging who would need a new one soon.

 

A weird thing. Whatever people game a damn about the game in The Loon were going for the Yankees.  Here, I thought I was in America, where everyone who is not from New York hates ‘em. Guess I was in some parallel universe. And then, to make things worse, I hear some guy a couple seats away piping off about how these American League teams can’t play defense. “Look at Bobby Bonilla!” this NL guy yelled. I pointed out that Bobby Bo played in the NL until just very recently and it shut him up for a little bit. “You guys can’t play defense!” he yelled as the Yanks botched a play in short left field. I pointed out how Tim Raines was part of that play, and he also played his formative years in the NL. I eventually went on the offensive. I bluffed with a Last Ten World Series gambit, but it turns out that the AL is only up 6-4. But NL Guy was so overwhelmed that I could actually name the participants of the last ten World Series (he admittedly couldn’t and he was at least five years older than me. Think about it: some supposedly huge baseball fan that cannot go back and name the winner of the World Series from at least the time he started following baseball?) that he didn’t care what my findings were. So I took another direction: the NL needs a designated hitter, man, your games are so fucking boring. Then I did my imitation of an NL pitcher batting (which looked remarkably like me batting): three pitches and SEE YA. NL Guy was not convinced. Then on the TV, Cal Ripken made a gorgeous stab and turned it into a double play and I pointed it out to NL Guy and also said “there’s one of those brutal AL fielders” and he said “I suppose you’d dare compare Ozzie Smith with Cal Ripken?” Without missing a beat, (as usual when it comes to these no-brainer baseball arguments) I said “you’re comparing The Greatest Shortstop Ever with Ozzie Smith?” and NL Guy just shut up and drank. Turns out he grew up in St. Louis and is a big Cardinals fan and on my way out he asked “you’re going for the Birds against the Braves, aren’t ya?” and I looked right at him and said “I don’t pay attention to the AAA playoffs.” I paused and waited for his reaction. He broke out in a big grin and we both laughed. You have to love baseball people.

 

So the Orioles lost and the Yankees fans went nuts, but it could have been worse. I could have been in a bar on a Sunday afternoon surrounded by pro football fans. These folks are the cardiac arrests waiting to happen and they for the most part seem to be wearing Zubaz and ill-fitting sweatshirts. They alternately worry about A) their fantasy football team (pro football games being so goddamn boring that you need a fantasy team to add some life to your Sunday afternoons) and B) how many chicken wings they can put down before half time, when it’s time to dive into one of those half-pound bacon cheeseburgers and basket o’fries. Don’t ever get in the way of a pro football fan and his or her food: they’ll either take a bite out of you or will bore you with stories of when they or an acquaintance actually meet and/or saw Hank Williams Jr.

 

FUTON POTATO

 

Finally, the Wiseguy reruns are on TV. This show was on CBS late nights back a few years back pre-Letterman when after the 10:00 p.m. news they had “crime time.” Wiseguy tells the tale of federal agent Vinnie Terranova (Ken Wahl), who has infiltrated the mob. The episodes that are on right now feature Kevin Spacey as a psychotic, hyperintellectual and incestuous crime boss. That should be enough to sell anyone on a TV show. If you enjoy gangster stories, legends or movies (and if you’re American you of course do) you may want to check it out. It’s on WGN weeknights at 10:00 p.m. CST.

 

Yes, I know SportsCenter is also on at 10:00 p.m., but you can also see SportsCenter rerun the next morning every hour from five until eleven a.m. and I also know that Letterman starts at ten thirty-five p.m. but you can always be quick with the remote on commercial breaks and besides you’re tired and holy shit look at Dave do his stuff man better get back to that mobster show you were watchin’ but wait a minute is that Paul Schaffer going into the nudie bar down the street cuz he’s bored and oh man look at Letterman he’s got some Stupid Pet Tricks goin’ and some police dog is barkin’ and howlin’ along to the Cops theme song and of course the dog was trained by a cop think I’ll just sit here and veg for a while...