THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Underemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 28 October 22,1996

 

 

 

Heard that new Van Halen?

 

SHIFTLESS WHEN IDLE or JUST ANOTHER MANIC MONDAY

 

It’s Monday morning and I can’t believe I get paid to be here. Thanks to Big Finance for providing me with the time and resources so that I can write a bunch of stuff for this week’s issue. I should really put in a plug for them...so hey, if you’re ever looking for a good banking institution try First National Bank of the Lakes on 31st and Hennepin. They’re friendly, reliable, and open until 8:00 p.m. on weeknights. You didn’t think I would actually promote Big Finance did you? I banked with them for nine years and eventually moved my accounts to FNBL because Big Finance is a bunch of nickel-and-diming fuckers with their customers.

 

The manager of the finance department is on vacation, as is one team leader. The other team leader is out at a seminar. The VP who has the office next to my cubicle is out all day at meetings. No one bothered to leave Temp Boy with something to do and I would go ask around if I can be of assistance, but a former associate in the department here stopped by to visit and she brought her toddler and I don’t feel like acting impressed just because there’s a young child in my presence. I remember being that age and being embarrassed as hell when people paid any attention to me. So I’m just sitting here drinking coffee, making Top Five lists (My Top Five Springsteen Songs: 1) “Candy’s Room” 2) “Lucky Man” (a B-side) 3) “Point Blank” 4) “Johnny 99” 5) “You Can Look (But You Better Not Touch)”), and wondering how else I can kill some time. What I should do while I’m here is call some friends up and say hi. But there’s no privacy in these cubicles and I’d hate to blow my rep as the quiet guy at the end of the hall. I called Tim (big Gopher fan) up earlier and told him that the WCHA was out of money because that crook Bruce McLeod (he’s the WCHA’s commissioner and was also the AD at Minnesota-Duluth and got fired for misappropriating money at UMD) embezzled all their money. The rest of the WCHA games would be played, but they wouldn’t count in the standings. So that leaves the Fighting Sioux at 2-0 and conference champions. Duluth is 2-0 also, but because McLeod was their Athletic Director their games don’t count. Tim believed me for like two seconds and I was yukking it up pretty good while it lasted.

 

I was asked on Friday if I was interested in any of the permanent positions in the department. I said “Gosh, you mean I could be an enduring part of your team, have my own cube with Dilbert comics tacked to its walls, try to show my individuality by getting an earring or wearing a bow tie, get those priceless benefits which are perfect for folks with a spouse and two-point-five kids, and talk about fantasy football with the guys every Monday morning? Gee, where do I sign?” to myself, but said “no thanks” out loud.

 

I just went to see if the pretty cool senior analyst needed any help. He wasn’t at his desk and across the hall a couple of the gals where pointing around and whispering. I better stay holed up in my cubicle so they don’t gossip about me. I’m actually using one of the team leader’s cubicles today. It’s got Windows 95 which is cool as I can write this stuff and hide it quick when people walk by. I’m looking at the team leader’s day planner, which is set to August 24. She’s actually using it as a paper weight, which is what my planner is doing back at my apartment. My admiration for her just went up a notch.

 

Last week we got this survey of likes and dislikes to fill out. I wasn’t sure what the purpose of it was. Was it a sinister tool of management to find the moral degenerates? Or was it a way for us to get to know our coworkers better? To play it safe, I filled it out three ways: 1) the mostly untrue “Trojan Horse” version for management, 2) the mostly true version for my coworkers, but keeping in my mind that I don’t want them to think I’m weird, and 3) what I truly think. So here we go...

 

QUESTION                  MGMT ANSWER                      NOT WEIRD ANSWER                      TRUTH

 

My favorite color is            green/blue (company colors) blue                                         black

 

My favorite food is            anything healthy                      pizza                                        Lucky Charms

 

When I was growing

up, I wanted to be            successful                                a baseball player              taller

 

When I was a child,

my hero was                 Lee Iacocca                                    Rod Carew                          Gino Gasparini

 

One of the best movies

I’ve ever seen was      Forrest Gump                           Apollo 13                                Goodfellas

 

One of the worst movies

I’ve ever seen was            anything excessively violent  Short Cuts                             Forrest Gump

 

One of the best books

I’ve ever read was      The Wealth of Nations                        The Outsiders                                 Ball Four

 

My favorite movie star

is                                  Paul Newman                                   Paul Newman                                   Paul Newman

 

On the weekends I like

to                                 take walks around the lakes            watch sports on TV                listen to music

 

It turns out that we were supposed to turn the survey in anonymously and then we would all guess who is who based on the answers. Since (in the words of the Sex Pistols) I don’t pretend because I don’t care, I gave them the truth. And no one will think I’m weird anyway because somebody put down “Lee Harvey Oswald” as their childhood hero.

 

I guess now that I’ve been here for two months I am considered a long-term temp. And now I’m getting a handle on the unwritten rules of my role here. They are more concerned with keeping me busy than in me doing anything truly useful. I sometimes think if I told them that I was sitting here working on a weekly newsletter, they wouldn’t care. It keeps me out of their hair. And this is the same company that makes sure to charge you a buck if you use your ATM card at a Fast Bank machine instead of an Instant Cash machine. One more reason to do your banking at First National Bank of the Lakes on 31st and Hennepin.