THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Underemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 35 January 10, 1997

 

 

 

I am Tiger Woods.

 

SYMPATHY FOR THEIR SATANIC MAJESTIES

 

For Christmas, my brother got the Rolling Stones Rock ‘n’ Roll Circus videotape, while I got the CD. This was a special taped for BBC Television back in December of 1968, but was never released until late last year. Here’s the lowdown: despite the hype of John Lennon, Eric Clapton, and the Stones being in the same room, the Who blow everyone away. The rest is good (the Stones, Lennon with Clapton playing lead guitar, Taj Mahal); bad (Marianne Faithfull - why invited: Mick Jagger’s girlfriend at the time); and ugly (Jethro Tull - they would go downhill from here. Yoko Ono wailing with Lennon’s crack blues band - Bobby Plant would go on to do this shtick a hell of a lot better in Zeppelin.) But if you were to believe the booklet that comes along with the CD, the magnitude of this event is only matched by D-Day and the knockdown of the Berlin Wall. Writer David Dalton tells us that “for a brief moment it seemed that rock ‘n’ roll would inherit the earth.” A moment so brief that it only took 22 hours to tape. Dalton also informs us that “it is only in England that (pop community) happens on this scale.” Why England’s popular music scene is referred to in the present tense is a mystery. Dalton also has apparently never heard of the Million Dollar Quartet, Motown Records, or the Basement Tapes: all made in the US of A.

 

A better document of the Stones in this period is the film Gimme Shelter, which documents their ‘69 tour. Their playing is brilliant, as Mick Taylor had just replaced the late Brian Jones and the Stones have their road legs. This ends with their performance at Altamont, where Jagger (deservedly so) looks scared shitless. I’ve been told that there was also a movie made of their 1972 tour, but I don’t know if it’s available for rental and I’m not sure how many beers it would take to get me to go into Video Update and ask “ya got a copy of Cocksucker Blues?”

 

REASON #23 WHY I DON’T HAVE A REAL JOB

 

These days I’m working at some company in some big building in downtown Minneapolis. The other morning, the vice president of finance introduced himself to me and started bullshitting about accounting and my experience. He was truly a nice guy and seemed decent enough. But he kept talking and talking. I lost interest, put a small smile on my face, and looked at him as my inner eye stared off into the distance. Then all I thought of was that song “Have You Seen Mary” by Sponge.

 

HEALTH 101

 

I read in the paper that people who have some sort of spiritual faith are healthier, and not as subject to disease and illness. On the same day I read this, my back and shoulder pains were bothering me again. So I put some PJ Harvey in the disc player, did my stretches, and the next day I felt fine.

 

I SAW THE LIGHT

 

A few days before Christmas, I went down to the Cabooze to see the Hank Williams Tribute Show. It was hosted by Slim Dunlap, which is always a sign of a good time. He had a band with him made up of members of the Honeydogs and Trailer Trash, among others. What this show boiled down to was different folks (“Hanks”, as Slim called ‘em) getting up on stage and singing Hank tunes. (Deleted) did three songs, two of which I remember - “Long Gone Lonesome Blues” and “Lost Highway.” “Long Gone” was a great showpiece for (deleted's) pipes and while doing these songs he showed more passion than he has on either of his solo albums. Enough passion that I didn’t hate him for having a drop-dead, beautiful, twentysomething girlfriend on his arm when he walked past me on the way to the door.

 

While I was standing at the bar watching the happenings on stage, a drunk (albeit attractive, and showing her belly button when she danced around) gal next to me started talking to me about Merry Christmas and all the snow we have here. “This? This is nothing.” I told her. She asked where I was from and then spent the next few minutes getting me to say “Minnesota” and “North Dakota” ‘cuz she thought my accent was funny, ya know?

 

LOCK, STEP & GONE

 

Now a few words about my friends back at Big Finance. I was done there (my choice) right before Christmas, and felt some holiday-season twinges of guilt about my poking fun at them over the course of so many issues. The people were nice enough (‘cept for the big shots who would walk the hallways and I never knew if they’d say hi to me or not in passing so one week I made sure to give ‘em a big smile and a “hi!” any time I passed them - oh man there was this one bigwig who looked just like Kevin Spacey and I was thinking like don’t piss this guy off he’s probably psycho, but he always said hi and once by the coffee machine even made a nice comment to me) and instead of calling me a “temp” they called me a “contractor.” But then when I was in Denver over Christmas, I went to see Denver University play Maine (a school whose hockey coach cheats more than Woog does) in the Denver Cup tournament. But it wasn’t just the Denver Cup, it was the Big Finance Denver Cup. And then I didn’t feel so bad about poking a little fun at Big Finance. As I was with them for four months - a lifetime - I should really list my Top Five Memories of Big Finance:

 

1) The time I did the first draft of issue # 28 completely on their time (and their software) because they had no work for me.

2) The time they had no work for me and everyone was going into a meeting so the team leader asked if I had any personal           business to take care of, so I went down to the cafeteria and read from Jack Womack’s excellent novel Let’s Put the Future Behind Us for an hour. And Big Finance was billed for every second.

3) Those Fridays where they had no work for me and sent me home early, but insisted on me billing them for a full day’s work.

4) The time they had no work for a whole morning and after lunch the team leader asked me “did you write in your journal this morning?” and I (note: Wyman doesn’t journal) said “no, but I worked on my homework for writing class” and she said “good!” and meant it.

5) The time the team leader sat down in my cube and said that she had “a horrendous project” for me to work on and that I’d hate it. “Wait a minute,” I said “aren’t you going to call it an ‘opportunity’?” “No,” she said “I’m not going to call it that because it’s horrendous and you’re going to hate it.” And so I was floored, because I’m not used to honesty when being asked to do something at work. I remember a few years back at my old job I was asked to handle a new “opportunity” that involved me “getting my own general ledger.” (Note to non-beancounters: for accountants, your own general ledger is IT. It’s a big long list of accounts where debits ultimately equal credits. Big fuckin’ wowee.) At the end of the sales job (which I only kinda listened to, but that night I was headed down to First Avenue to see Soul Asylum, who was touring behind Grave Dancer’s Union and I knew it was probably the last time I’d see a whole set by them in a smaller venue - in fact, with Soul Asylum on the brain that probably explains my reply) I said “why does this remind me of Tom Sawyer painting that fence?”