THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Underemployed. Unattached. Unimpressed.

Issue 36 January 18, 1997

 

 

 

Well, it’s been a little chilly (nothing compared to the North Country, though) so don’t expect many details on my usual goofball antics. So I’ll just go ahead and rip the ideas of people who are a whole lot wealthier than me. Back when I worked at Big Finance, they set me up with some scheduling software that had a bunch of tutorials based around The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, which is some corporate self-help book written my some management guru. Management gurus are the guidance counselors of the corporate world. (Although management gurus make more money then guidance counselors and people actually listen to them.) Apparently if you read it and practice its teachings, conformity will become your obsession. The following is my synopsis of the seven habits.

 

Be Proactive   I never even heard the word “proactive” until the early mid-nineties, and the only time I ever heard it was in the office. Which means it’s a buzzword, and is bad, so don’t be it. Unless you want to be called a “go-getter.” Quote supporting the opposite: “Don’t force things.” (Scott Bjerke)

 

Begin with the End in Mind   Just a fancy way of saying “think ahead”, which you don’t do except when you’re at the liquor store on Friday or Saturday and because the liquor stores are closed on Sundays (or at least they are here in progressive Minnesota), you calculate how much to buy to get you through the whole weekend. And after you quit your lousy job, you definitely want to think ahead by counting the days until your last day. Quote supporting the opposite: “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making plans.” (John Lennon)

 

Put First Things First   You are more important than your company, ergo you come first. Quote supporting the opposite: “But many that are first will be last, and the last first.” (Jesus of Nazareth) (and hey - are you going to argue with The Man?)

 

Think Win-Win   You can run when you hear your boss say “win-win”, but you can’t hide. If you are in a win-win situation it means that something has been delegated to you. Your boss won because he/she now has less work to do. You won because now you have an “opportunity.” This phrase should only be used when talking about a WCHA series. Quote supporting the opposite: “The poor stay poor and the rich get rich / That’s how it goes / Everybody knows...” (Leonard Cohen)

 

Seek First to Understand   What they’re trying to say here is that you’re on your own. Chances are that whatever job you have right now, you had to train yourself. Then after you got pretty good at doing what you do, or at least looking like you knew what you were doing, management came along and busted your chops for not doing things according to “policy.” These rules are rarely in writing anywhere, and since you were never trained, you have no way of knowing them. So you used your common sense and now you’re in trouble. Once you learn that management is always right, even when they’re wrong, this will be a little easier to deal with. Another thing to understand that your role in today’s economy is to work your ass off for your company so that the old guys who own it can get richer. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can get on with your life. Look out for yourself, as you are more important than any bottom line. Quote supporting the opposite: “I don’t know.” (Ozzy Osbourne, Jeff Spicoli, and Paul Westerberg, among others)

 

Synergize   This is that “whole is greater than its parts” or “team” crapola that fronts phony community in the workplace in an attempt to suck the individuality out of you. The word “team” was appropriated from the sporting world, where greed and winning at all costs drive things. (They drive things in Corporate America, too, but management will lie and tell you otherwise.) If you are on a sporting team, then by all means synergize. That way you can win your league championship and get tons of bonus money and endorsements and fame. If you’re just a regular ol’ working stiff, this team stuff at work is bogus. Unless you think work is fun, and you enjoy that wacky workplace humor and can’t wait until the next office potluck. Then the team thing is okay, because your much brighter team members will end up doing your work and covering for you. If you’re bright (and I know you folks out there are) you’ll think of yourself. Thinking of yourself is what capitalism was built on. Your boss and coworkers will disdainfully say you’re “not a team player”, but you’re too good for the junior varsity, aren’t you? Quote supporting the opposite: “Team? That’s stupid! You’re only as good as the weakest member of the group.” (The real cool gal I sat by on my Christmas Eve flight to Denver)

 

Sharpen the Saw   The meaning of this one is that you need to continuously improve your processes so that you can do your job more effectively. The moment you take some time to reflect upon how you do things, your boss will be on your case as to why some task (that was delegated to you in a win-win scenario) isn’t done. You, of course, were proactive a couple of weeks ago and told your boss that you had too much to do and couldn’t get the task done when he/she wanted it done. “You need to look at the way you do things and find a more effective way of doing them” was what you were told. And so you’ll put in some non-paid overtime to get the stuff done and then go home and drink a sixer while watching SportsCenter. Quote supporting the opposite: “I swear I’m gonna change / Just not today” (Martin Zellar)

 

AND NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS...

 

The Turf Club located near the University and Snelling intersection is a great rock ‘n’ roll bar. I’ve only been there twice, but am impressed. This place has been around for ages (I’m guessing), but has of late been booking solid local bands. This place is huge, and you can see the stage from pretty much everywhere in the bar. You gotta like the beer selection, with both Grain Belt Premium and Summit Pale Ale available on tap. (Be careful with those Summits, though. You’ll be sipping on them with a clear, focused, mind and then BOOM...) Last night I was sitting in a booth with friends, as Slim Dunlap played. I just kept thinking about the importance of live local music, and how there’s nothing better than hearing those guitars and drums as they kinda hurt your ears and between songs you rattle off quick quips across the booth. The waitress stops by and you say oh yeah bring another one please. After a while, the youngest of your group persuades everyone to head up towards the stage where ala the old Uptown Bar, people are hanging out, dancing, smiling, drinking. Slim plays loud and you think if we didn’t have a Slim Dunlap here in Minneapolis the Twin Cities, it would be necessary to invent him. Not only is he a true character that seems like he comes straight out of a Great American Novel, but he and his comrades are the consummate bar band, plowing through their songs that are part Rolling Stones, part country, part blues, and part sheer talent and hard work. You crack up looking at some guy sporting flannel, faded jeans, and long hair trying to dance with everybody. He dances a few steps with a girl, then moves on to the next girl. He moves so fast, they don’t have a chance to say no and then he’s run out of girls so he asks a guy to dance and the wallflower guy shakes his head no but then sees that no one will dance with the guy so the wallflower holds his hand out and the flannel guy takes it and they dance a few steps until they realize that they both want to lead, and they break it off. And you thought you only saw men dance together at wedding dances during the dollar dance when invariably some good friend of the groom will get in the line for the groom and as they slow dance, everyone looks over and it’s the funniest thing ever.

 

So Slim and the Turf Club made my night and I can’t wait for my next trip to St. Paul. And I haven’t said those words since I used to get my hair cut across the river. Please, as the war heats up again between Minneapolis and St. Paul, remember to not fall for petty provincialism. Note to our politicians and billionaire bankers: forget those renovated hockey arenas and new baseball stadiums, our public money should be sent towards new PA systems and higher bar staff wages.