THE WYMAN WEEKLY

Just Another Empty Head.

Issue 9 April 4,1996

 

 

 

Thanks to AC/DC and the late Bon Scott for the new motto. (No, I didn’t ask permission.) I got it from their tune “Ride On” on Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap and the lyric is: “Got another empty bottle / And another empty bed / Ain’t too young to admit it / Now I’m not too old to lie / I’m just another empty head.” Which sums up my life as well as anything, I guess.

 

BEER/BARS

 

I saw a commercial on ESPN for Keystone Light where they declared it was “America’s Least Bitter Beer.” I’ll let you all insert your own wisecrack here.

 

Last Friday I was extremely bored. Sipped on some Lowenbraus while watching The X Files and then proceeded to go batty nuts. I tried staring out the window at the traffic out on 36th Street but even doing that has lost its luster. (The other big sign that I have too much time on my hands was when I was in the checkout line at Lund’s the other week and had a contest between my right foot and left foot to see which one I could balance on longer.) (Left won.) Searching for inspiration, my heart said “Space Cruise!” (the joys of which I hope to expand on in a future issue for those of you who aren’t from up north) but my brain said “CC Club.” So I headed to 26th and Lyndale for a couple of Premium taps. And I even told myself it would be just a couple. Now, at the time I knew this actually meant three and then get the hell out of the bar as I was going to see mom and dad in the morning. But as I was sitting at the bar finishing up Premo Number Three, the dudes sitting next to me were finishing up a pitcher. What followed was a noteworthy conversation between them and Lee the Bartender (the hero of issue #2).

 

Lee: Another pitcher, fellas?

 

Dude: No thanks.

 

Lee: You guys don’t give a shit, tomorrow’s Saturday anyway!

 

They still didn’t order any more beer, but after hearing that bit of wisdom I of course ordered another tap. When Lee brought my change, I said “I don’t give a shit, tomorrow’s Saturday!” and Lee said “That’s the spirit!” and then when it came time to order the next tap if was after midnight so I said “I still don’t give a shit, tomorrow’s Sunday!” and Lee said “ The snow plows aren’t running and your car won’t start anyway!” which didn’t make much sense as it wasn’t snowing out, but I tucked it away for future reference and would advise all of you to do the same.

 

WORK

 

Hello, this is the so-and-so temp agency, how can I help you? You need your accounts payable and receivable reconciled? Yes, we have someone who can help you with that ... Let’s see - we can send you a monkey from the Como Zoo or we can send you Wyman ... You prefer a human?... Okay, Wyman will be there tomorrow at eight!

 

And that dear readers, is the first step to me getting my temporary work assignments. Lately I’ve been working in downtown Minneapolis at a wholly-owned subsidiary of a large financial corporation who shall go unnamed (hint: starts with an “N” ends with a “T” and has “orwes” somewhere in the middle.) It’s been noneventful and I don’t get a radio at my desk so I stare at a computer screen and pretend to be busy while in the back of my mind I dream of building my Wyman publishing empire. What really sucks is that the two babes in the place are on the other end of the office and I rarely get to see them. On the plus side, this place has a “business casual” dress code, which basically means that you don’t have to wear a tie but still have to iron your clothes. (Then again business casual kinda bites because the babes don’t wear miniskirts and pumps.) Almost everyone is scared to talk to me (they’re probably pissed they didn’t get the monkey) and I hear them whisper “who’s that?” to their coworkers. And then I hear my favorite words “he’s the temp” which is great because then they know they don’t have to talk to me and I don’t have to hear about their kids, lawns, the weather, their jobs, where they’re from, etc. Anonymity is my key to sanity in the workplace these days.

 

MINNEAPOLIS 55402

 

Had a dream the other night that I was hanging out at the 8th and Hennepin southbound bus stop with Kelly Taylor. We were flirting with each other and talking about how it was weird that we had never dated as every possible male/female combination of our group of friends had dated except for us. My great dig was: “Hey, you’ve had Brandon - I can’t compete!” What exactly is my subconscious getting at?

 

PHILOSOPHY

 

Now it comes time for me to put my Rules of Life into print. Most of you out there have heard these from me before, but as you can see, I’m putting them in a handy clip-and-save format for your wallet or refrigerator. A youngster once approached me in the Uptown Ragstock and asked me to write the Rules down for him. I did so and all these years later whenever our paths cross he proudly reminds me that he still has the Rules on his fridge.

 

 

Clip ‘n Save!!   THE RULES OF LIFE
1. Don’t force things.
2. Avoid responsibility whenever possible.
3. When in doubt, take a nap.

 

The rules are self explanatory and are not to be confused with the Homer Simpson’s three things to say to get you through work. The Rules may not help you, especially if you are one of those overachievers (who are also known as “morning people” - they’re the same ones who brought you the Inquisition, Industrial Capitalism and light beer.) Earlier in the year I was ignoring #2 and suffered greatly until I quit my lousy job, started the weekly and became all smiles.

 

MISCELLANY

 

To clear things up: I did not give up drinking for Lent this year. I issued a preemptive strike against Lent back in January and gave up the booze for the first twenty-four days of that month. This Lent I did give up drinking in suburban bars unless they’re real sports bars with great burgers like the original Park Tavern or Steve-O’s.

 

Thanks to Oscar for Rule of Life #1.